here comes a thought

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Jiang Cheng has a headache, and his body hurts all over. He sits up on his bed and flinches slightly at the light streaming from outside his window. The usual sounds of Lotus Pier, of disciples going about their day, talking and laughing, sounded almost too loud for him even from the confines of his room.

So. Jiang Cheng hates getting sick, but these days he hardly remembers that feeling. It’s been a while since it last happened, ever since his golden core had grown strong enough to take care of that.

What he hates more, really, is getting injured. His core sped things up a bit, but it still leaves him winded, or disoriented or worse, incapacitated. If only for a short time.

Today it’s all three. Oh, and there’s also the pain. Fantastic.

He’s never gotten this badly hurt in a long time, though.

His hair is stuck to the side of his face, so he raises his arm – the one not on a cast – to fix it, but there’s a sharp pain on his shoulder and his side. It causes him to flinch, and that makes him feel the bruises on his leg too.

“Ow.” he says. Then, more eloquently – “Fuck.”

There’s a knock on the door, and before he could help himself, he snaps harshly, “What?”

“A-Cheng?” a familiar voice answers, inquiring, hesitant.

It’s Nie Huaisang, he recognizes. He just leans back against his headboard with a sigh and says, “Yeah, come in.”

The door opens. Nie Huaisang takes one look at him and his expression falls. “Oh.” he says softly as he steps inside, closing the door behind him. “Oh, no…”

Jiang Cheng frowns, looking away as the other approaches. “Say it.”

“You look terrible.” Huaisang says as he sits on the bed, close to Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes, grumbling, “Sure.”

“You’re still very good-looking, don’t worry.” his guest laughs lightly, reaching out and tucking Jiang Cheng’s hair behind his ear and away from his face, then brushing them back just a few more times for good measure. “I don’t see anything that would be permanent, you’ll go back to being the most handsome man in Yunmeng soon.”

“Liar.” Jiang Cheng says, finally facing him. He tries to move his head so Huaisang can get more of his hair and bring some semblance of order to it. As always, fixing an inconvenience without Jiang Cheng having to ask. “Thanks. Don’t hug me. Everything hurts.”

“Okay.” Huaisang nods, cupping his cheek, still careful. His hand is soft and warm, familiar. That, at least, doesn’t hurt. “As in… everything?”

“Eh, like, 70 to 80 percent of my everything. Give or take.” Jiang Cheng forgets himself and shrugs, then flinches when he feels a jolt of pain. “Ow!”

“Ah, careful!” Huaisang says, hands hovering, not knowing where he could touch without pressing on a bruise or worse. “Should you be sitting at all?”

“Probably not.” Jiang Cheng says. “But I haven’t passed out yet, right? I think I’m doing pretty good.”

“I’m glad you’re okay.” Huaisang sighs, settling for gingerly tugging at Jiang Cheng’s shirt here and there to straighten it. He knows how much Jiang Cheng hates looking unkempt. “A-Xian kept saying that it’s fine and you’re fine and it’s not as bad as it sounds… Probably didn’t want me to worry. It didn’t work. I worried more.”

Jiang Cheng pauses, then says, “Someone said if I was a normal person I’d be dead. I think. I don’t remember who. Or if that’s just me thinking that.” He thinks about it again, then comes to a conclusion: “Whatever.”

Huaisang frowns at how flippant that sounded. “Yanli-jie said it was a pretty bad fall.”

“Looks like it.” Jiang Cheng says, leaning back again, feeling a bit better with a less rumpled shirt and brushed back hair. He lets out a long breath as he settles in his new position. “Feels like it too.”

“I’m sorry.”

When Jiang Cheng looks at him, Nie Huaisang is fiddling with his fan in his hands, clearly distraught. “Why? You didn’t push me.”

Nie Huaisang sighs. “No, I just… I hate this. You’re hurt and I can’t even hug you.”

“Ah. Yeah, that part.” Jiang Cheng lets out a small chuckle – it’s all he can manage at the moment. Anything more expressive might just rattle him and hurt all over. He does manage to tug at the little charm hanging from Nie Huaisang’s fan to get his attention. “A kiss won’t hurt, I think.”

Nie Huaisang’s head shoots up, his eyes wide.

“What?” Jiang Cheng asks.

It can’t be that weird, right? To ask his boyfriend to kiss him? They’ve kissed before!

Jiang Cheng watches as Nie Huaisang’s expression changes – a little grin blooming in his lips before it’s hidden with a sharp, graceful unfolding of his fan.

“Asking for a kiss?” Huaisang teases, fan fluttering in front of his face. “So bold, Jiang-gongzi.”

It’s a beautiful fan. Mountains in the painted scenery. Jiang Cheng knows it’s a gift from Nie Mingjue, and one of Huaisang’s favorites. Jiang Cheng decides that he hates it, right now.

“Haha.” he says without humor, rolling his eyes. He knows his cheeks are pink.

Fine. Yeah, he usually never asked for kisses. Then again, he usually just went for it.

Huaisang always liked that.

Huaisang, his boyfriend, who is now giggling.

Okay, now Jiang Cheng thinks it’s weird too. Asking for kisses is actually a Nie Huaisang thing. Jiang Cheng is not cute enough to just take a page off Nie Huaisang’s book and get away with it. He just can’t pout his way into things, the embarrassment gets to him before he can do so much as try!

Nie Huaisang continues, “They told me that you might have hit your head. Is that it?”

Wait, he might have hit his head? No one mentioned that when he woke up earlier and took his medicine! Why did they let him sleep?!

He stares, momentarily distracted. “Honestly, I won’t rule it out. ‘Cause that part hurts too. The thinky part.”

Huaisang snorts. “Thinky part.”

“Yeah. You know… yeah.”

“You mean your brain.”

“That. My brain. Head. That general area.”

Huaisang blinks, then bats his lashes at him, as he does. “Oh, my poor Jiang-gongzi! You have a headache too?”

“Yeah? It sucks.”

“Maybe I should leave you to rest, then?”

Now, that’s just mean.

Jiang Cheng frowns. Carefully, he reaches his free hand out to settle on the other’s waist and tugs weakly. “A-Sang. You’re killing me here.”

Oh, Jiang Cheng should have known that Nie Huaisang would be delighted by that, because he just giggles and hides behind his fan some more.

Jiang Cheng tugs again. Nie Huaisang gasps. “Oh, my! It takes a major injury for Jiang Wanyin to… demand kisses?”

Yeah, Jiang Cheng thinks. Apparently, injured Jiang Cheng is clingy Jiang Cheng. So what. He’s injured. He looks terrible. He’s hungry. Approximately 90% of his everything hurts. His parents don’t love him. Nobody heard that last one. He’s not saying all that out loud, is he?

Jiang Cheng scowls. “I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck and you’re making me work for a kiss. And people say I’m the mean one. I know I’m being clingy, I’m just glad you’re here- Shit, what did they give me? A truth serum?”

Huaisang laughs, and finally the fan is folded and tucked away again. “Okay, let’s stop before we say any more medication-fuelled things. I just wanted to tease, I’m sorry. I will give you all the kisses now.”

And he does give Jiang Cheng all the kisses. He scoots closer but takes care not to press up against him as he kisses Jiang Cheng’s lips, gentle and sweet. Then Huaisang drops another kiss to his nose, and as always he laughs when Jiang Cheng’s face scrunches up. Then he moves to Jiang Cheng’s forehead, then to his cheek, extra careful because of a bruise there.

“Okay?” he asks, his smile soft, almost shy.

Jiang Cheng’s answer is to steal another kiss. And when he leans back, he says, “Okay. You can go now.”

Huaisang gasps dramatically, and then they end up laughing together – though it doesn’t last long as Jiang Cheng flinches from the pain in his side and Huaisang fusses over him again.

“Ow! Ugh, can’t even laugh-”

“A-Cheng! Are you okay? Ah, you really shouldn’t be sitting up…”

“I’m fine.” Jiang Cheng wheezes, leaning back on his headboard again. He takes Huaisang’s hand in his and just gives it a squeeze. “This sucks. We’re supposed to go to the shelter. Wait, is it still the weekend? I won’t be surprised if you say I’ve passed out for a year.”

“Ah, nobody told you?” Nie Huaisang blinks, eyes wide with concern. His hand even flies to his chest. “It’s been ten years. I have to introduce you to my husband and child. I’m sorry I couldn’t wait for you…”

“I see.” Jiang Cheng nods easily. “Have Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji gotten their shit together yet?”

“You know they haven’t.”

“Noted. Put me back in the coma.”

Nie Huaisang laughs. “That’s what got you???”

“You sound happy with a husband and child.” Jiang Cheng says. “I can’t live if I had to watch those other two still being stupid.“

“Point taken.” Nie Huaisang accepts the answer readily.

He smiles again, and reaches out to continue trying to pat down Jiang Cheng’s clothes. He really is just that much of a mess, huh.

“Yes, it is still the weekend, you’ve only been asleep a few hours. And don’t worry about shelter duty.” Nie Huaisang assures him. “A-Xian told me that some of your shidi actually approached him today and said they’ll spend their free time this weekend to volunteer while you’re… indisposed. I think it’s very sweet of them.”

Jiang Cheng lets out a small smile. “It is.” Letting his juniors tag along on shelter duty when they were kids is really paying off now. He makes a mental note to ask his brother who those shidi are so he could thank them later. “Still sucks to fall off a stupid tree.”

“Now, now, I don’t think the tree is to blame.”

“Fine, it sucks to stupidly fall off a tree. Happy?”

Nie Huaisang withdraws and settles back on the nearby chair, since it was getting awkward just perched on the edge of the bed. “Only if you are.”

“I’m stuck in bed and I look horrible and everything hurts. I won’t be happy for a while.”

“Okay, then.” Huaisang shrugs. “Don’t expect me to scowl, though. That invites wrinkles. I’ll be calmly upset.”

Jiang Cheng snorts, muttering ‘calmly upset’ under his breath and getting cut off with a yawn. He frowns. “Dammit, I just woke up.”

“They said the medicine for the pain will make you sleepy.” Huaisang says. “You should go back to sleep if you want to. You’ll heal faster. Get out of bed sooner. Right?”

Jiang Cheng wants to be stubborn, but he knows Nie Huaisang is right. If his jiejie or Wei Ying were here, they’d be saying the same thing. Heck, he himself would be saying that if he was the one looking after someone in this sorry state.

“Fine. I’ll probably wake up hungry though.”

“That’s not gonna be a problem.” Huaisang says as he helps him lie back down. “We’re all determined to spoil you rotten, Jiang-gongzi.”

“Don’t. Just leave me and go do what you have to do, I promise I’ll survive.”

“Too bad, it’s been decided.” Huaisang laughs lightly, brushing hair away from Jiang Cheng’s face. He keeps stroking until Jiang Cheng’s eyelids start getting heavy. “It’s not often we get to do it.”

“Seriously.” Jiang Cheng yawns again, clearly just fighting to stay awake now. When he speaks, it’s more of a grumpy mumble. “Stupid tree. Stupid fall.”

Huaisang sighs, keeping close and stroking his hair soothingly. “Yes, yes. Sleep now.”

Jiang Cheng stops fighting, finding it easy to doze off, but he lingers a bit, just on the edges of being awake…

Nie Huaisang must think that he is already asleep though, because he whispers, “It’s not like you to just… fall. I hope it really was just an accident. Or that you’d tell me if it wasn’t.” A sigh. “But you’re you.”

Despite himself, Jiang Cheng finds himself mumbling. “Won’t happen again.”

The fingers stroking his hair stops. Jiang Cheng is too sleepy to wonder why. Too sleepy, and too busy thinking – why? Why did he fall, again? Nie Huaisang is right. It’s not like him to fall. It’s not like him to be-

“Was jus’ distracted.” he says, or thinks he says, out loud. He’s not sure at this point, but it was just Nie Huaisang listening, so it’s fine. Nie Huaisang is… safe. He’s a safe person.

“I see.” Nie Huaisang replies softly, and finally the fingers are back on his hair again.

Jiang Cheng thinks he’ll really fall asleep this time.

“It’s fine, then. Everyone gets distracted sometimes-”

“Father doesn’t know how to talk to me.” Jiang Cheng thinks, or says, he’s really not sure now. “S’fine. I don’t know how to talk to him too.”

“What-?”

Then he doesn’t hear anything more.

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---

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Jiang Cheng never quite learned how to talk to his father. Not properly, anyway. He thinks there probably had been a time when he knew how. There ought to be, right? A time when it was easier, at least.

(‘Before Wei Ying.’, his treacherous mind thinks, but he sets that aside. He always sets that aside.)

He knows his father is a good man. A good leader for both the community and his own sect. He’s not perfect, but he’s good. Jiang Cheng has decided for himself, growing up, that his father is not a bad father. He’s just… distant. Yes. That’s the word he uses. His father is just distant. Despite that, he’s a good provider, he loves Jiang Cheng, and he means well.

Over the years, Jiang Cheng has sort of given up on the whole ‘closeness’ thing with his parents. On the whole ‘bond’ thing. His father is distant. That’s… fine. There could be worse. His mother is… well, she is not distant. At times Jiang Cheng feels she’s too close. But that’s fine too. He knows, in some elaborate, complicated way, that she loves him and means well too.

Jiang Cheng always has to remind himself of that. His parents mean well. They mean well in very different ways, and sometimes those ways stretch Jiang Cheng too thin, but… it’s not all bad. His parents love him, in their own ways.

His parents love him. They just don’t love each other.

And really, Jiang Cheng has come to accept that, because at least they didn’t hate each other, but sometimes, it’s… a problem.

Because he never quite learned how to talk to his father, and his father never quite learned how to talk to him either.

He had been reminded of this that day, when his father steps up to him just as he was speed-walking through the halls.

“In a hurry, A-Cheng?” the man says by way of a greeting, his voice calm and curious and his hands tucked behind his back. He has a patient smile as always.

“Father- I mean, uh, Sect Leader.” Jiang Cheng says, bowing his head slightly. He slows down to match his father’s relaxed pace. “I was just-… Some of the junior disciples are joining the night hunt for the first time tonight. I wanted to double check on them first, make sure they’re well-prepared.”

“Ah. Your juniors are very fortunate to have such an attentive shixiong.”

It’s a genuine compliment, Jiang Cheng knows, and he smiles lightly. “Thank you, Sect Leader.”

“You don’t have to be so formal, not with your father.” the man says, chuckling.

Jiang Cheng replies with an awkward nod. “Y-Yes, father.”

“And here I thought there was an emergency, you looked like you were in such a hurry!” Jiang Fengmian laughs. “Is it that busy today? I’m afraid I’ve been occupied with other duties and haven’t checked up on things here…”

Jiang Cheng quickly shakes his head. “There’s really nothing to worry about, father. I just wanted to make sure everything is prepared early, make the night hunt go as smoothly as possible.” he says. After a moment of consideration, he adds, “I also wanted to get other things done and out of the way, since I’ll be out tomorrow.”

“I see, you have plans for tomorrow, then?”

Jiang Cheng shrugs. “Nothing fancy. It’s just been a while since Nie Huaisang and I are both free to volunteer at the shelter together. We figured we’d make a day of it. Probably eat out or something afterwards.”

“Ah… So Nie-er-gongzi is coming over. I see.” his father nods. Then he blinks. “Only for the day?”

“He’s hoping to stay for a few days. His school has the week off, something about a holiday, some festival in Qinghe.”

“And he’s spending it here?”

“He said he’ll be home for the big event. He actually invited me, but I have classes, and the night hunts after.”

Jiang Fengmian hums in thought, and after a moment of quiet, he says, “I take it things are… going well? Between you two?”

Jiang Cheng glances at his father, gauging his expression. He is smiling lightly, as good-natured as always. But there is also a familiar look in there, one that Jiang Cheng recognizes immediately.

It’s a look his father gives his mother when he’s being cautious, testing the waters before saying something that might set her off or displease her. He is not afraid, nor angry, but he is careful. It’s a look he makes sure she doesn’t see him giving, too.

It’s a look that says ‘I don’t want to fight, so I want to make sure you will take this well.’

“A-Cheng?”

Then Jiang Cheng realizes that he’s been thinking for too long – “Y-Yes…?” he answers, and he hates how uncertain that sounded, for a question he effortlessly knew the answer to. “I mean, yes. Yes, we’re… doing well.”

“That’s nice to hear.” His father smiles, relaxing slightly. “And you’re… handling the distance quite well too, then?”

“I guess we are.” Jiang Cheng blinks, a bit surprised that the topic hasn’t been dropped yet. He thought that would be it. “We always have, even before we… got together. We’re used to it.”

His father had never asked about him and Nie Huaisang before, besides the occasional ‘How are you?’ when he sees them together whenever Huaisang visits.

In fact, no one really asks Jiang Cheng about all that. They ask about Jiang Cheng, or about Nie Huaisang, mostly for pleasantries, but no one ever asks about them, together. It’s like it’s just a normal thing, nothing to write home about. Everyone just assumes that they’re doing fine, Jiang Cheng thinks.

They’d be right. Jiang Cheng is quite sure that they’re doing fine.

“Hm, that’s good…” His father nods, looking thoughtful. “That’s good.”

Jiang Cheng could do nothing but nod back, still not knowing where his father was getting to. And it nags at him.

He’s never been the most patient when something nags at him. So before he can stop himself, he asks, “Is there… anything… you’re concerned about, father?”

“Oh, nothing! Nothing, it’s just… quite rare, I suppose.” His father says, slowly, as if reassuring him. “You are very young, and I know how young people can get, I’ve been there. There’s that urge, you might say. To always spend time together, to see each other…”

“We’re… not like that.” he says, frowning slightly.

They’ve never been that way, he thinks. Not even when they were kids, despite Nie Huaisang always clinging to him as they let Wei Wuxian drag them along. Not even when Huaisang moved away. Of course he’d prefer it if he saw Nie Huaisang more often, but they’ve always been perfectly fine away from each other. It was different now, anyway. The other’s one call or message away. They still talk almost everyday…

“I see, yes, that doesn’t sound like you two, I suppose.” His father says, appeasing. “I’m just saying, you seem to have a very mature and serious relationship… which is rare for your age.”

“I guess…?” he says, although he wouldn’t think to use those words to describe their relationship.

”Father”, he wants to say. “Our daily correspondence is internet memes. Yes, we are certainly mature.”

He holds back.

Then again, he’d never had to describe their relationship.

He’d never had to think much about it.

And that’s good! That means they’re okay. Right?

“Yes, yes. You seem very… settled. Very comfortable.” his father continues.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t quite know how to read into that. So he just shrugs. “We just know each other well. We’ve been friends since we were kids, and the Nie Sect has close ties with ours-”

“Of course, of course.” Jiang Fengmian amends quickly, before Jiang Cheng could go into more details. “I know all that, A-Cheng. I am good friends with Sect Leader Nie, and I’m glad that he seems to think highly of you. He thinks you and Nie-gongzi make a good pair.”

Jiang Cheng nods. “I’m… glad he thinks that.”

He doesn’t mean to brag in any way, but he knew that one, too. Jiang Cheng is ever so grateful that Nie Huaisang’s father’s approval is not a thing he had to be worried about. The man seemed pleased with him from the start. Jiang Cheng didn’t even want to know what one Nie Renshu’s disapproval would be like. He gets enough of it from Nie Mingjue, and really, as a brother himself, Jiang Cheng gets it.

“Your mother, too.” his father continues. “She approves of it. And you know she only wants the best for you.”

Jiang Cheng nods again, now holding himself back from saying anything until he’s sure where this is going. Because he really does not know where it’s going.

“But… but I’m sure you know that.” the man says, then looks at him expectantly. “That your mother wants the best for you?”

Jiang Cheng, catching the look, hastily musters up a response. “I- I… do? I mean, yes, father. I do. I know that.”

His father looks… relieved? To still have his attention? “Yes, yes… I just know… how much you value her approval.” – then almost as an afterthought, he adds – “As you should, of course. She’s a very wise woman.”

Jiang Cheng really wishes he’d get to the point.

He values his parents’ approval, and opinions, and he… appreciates… some time together, but this is also starting to throw him off – and he doesn’t know how to say that to his father. He doesn’t even know if he should, really-

“But we know she could be very… strict, can’t she? Imposing?”

“Yes… she is… that.”

“Nothing wrong about it, of course, as you can see, she has built a very disciplined foundation for our sect and our family. But… it can get too much, sometimes. So I just hope… you’re not… pushing yourself too hard? That you… well, I hope you step back and listen to yourself once a while.”

Okay, now Jiang Cheng wonders if he missed something. Push himself too hard? Step back? He admits he could be a workaholic, and that he sometimes (okay, always) thinks he will never actually fully impress his mother – but he’s used to that. He had found workarounds.

And a lot of his drive and ambition might have come from his mother, but he genuinely cares about his family, the sect and their disciples – so he does his duties and focuses on doing them well, not even for his mother but because he actually wants to.

Does his father think that… Jiang Cheng doesn’t want to do any of this?

Jiang Fengmian must have taken his confusion as something else – “I do think you’re doing well! And your mother is proud of you, A-Cheng, and your work… you’re very… dedicated to it. You’re doing a very good job following the path she had set out for you. We can all see that.”

And now the man is praising him. And. Uh. Jiang Cheng won’t complain. It’s just… weird, right now. Because it’s all seemingly coming out of nowhere.

He doesn’t quite know what to say. Still, he tries. “I’m… glad you think that.”

“We do, we do. We just- rather, I just want to say, as your father, that if you ever have too much on your plate, or if you feel uncomfortable or… or in any way uncertain… about anything, especially when it’s about what your mother wants for you… be it about your career, or your future, or your relationships… you should always be honest with yourself.”

Uh. Okay?

“Alright? If you think you can’t tell your mother, I am always here. Me and your sister, and A-Xian. And… and we can all talk about it as a family.”

Jiang Cheng had to hold himself back from snorting. ‘Talk about it as a family.’ – he had to look down to hide his face. Haha. Alright. That one’s funny-

Wait.

Relationships?

What is that supposed to mean even?

Before he could ask, his father’s phone rings. Jiang Fengmian looks at the screen and frowns slightly. They stop walking.

“Ah. I have to get this. Go on, A-Cheng. Good luck with your night hunt. I’ll see if I can drop by again later to see you off, but I’m sure you and your brother have it covered either way.”

“Yeah… Yes. Okay. Thank you, father.”

“Take care now, son.”

Jiang Cheng just nods, and continues walking, speeding up again now that he’s alone.

He thinks about his conversation with his father.

He doesn’t get it.

He thinks about it some more, but then he arrives at the training grounds, and he sees Wei Wuxian handing out some talismans to the junior disciples that they’ll be taking on the night hunt with them.

Good. He’s doing his duties for once.

Wait. Jiang Cheng squints. It’s Wei Wuxian. A walking ‘caution’ sign.

Jiang Cheng pushes his father’s words to the back of his head as he hurries over to the grounds.

Gotta make sure his shixiong didn’t just hand out another batch of his crazy experiments to test.

His juniors are gonna survive their first night hunt, dammit.

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Jiang Cheng becomes busy enough that he doesn’t really think about his little weird chat with his father for a while.

That is, until they’re in the middle of the night hunt and he’s resting on a tree branch alone, high up so he can look over the younger disciples.

It’s a mostly quiet night – which is good, though he prefers that something will happen – nothing major, nothing too difficult to resolve, maybe some minor thing that will help demonstrate their work to the newcomers.

Due to the batch of fresh faces they’d brought that night, Jiang Cheng had taken the precaution of also bringing along more senior disciples than usual, just so the juniors have more mentors to shadow… and that left Jiang Cheng mostly supervising, mostly doing nothing.

As he quietly surveys the juniors who were putting up wards and talismans around the area, his thoughts drift back to his earlier conversation with his father.

His father, and his awkward but supportive demeanor that afternoon. His words were well-meaning, his tone had been warm. Was that a pep talk? Idly, Jiang Cheng thinks it was close to what he’d privately filed away as his father’s “politician” voice. A voice that doesn’t dare invite conflict, but encourages further thought into what he might really be implying…

Jiang Cheng doesn’t think he’ll ever learn how to do that voice. The only people he can remember doing that as well were his sister, and Nie Huaisang.

Jiang Cheng is his mother’s son that way. He likes things to be straightforward. For him, the most effective way to express himself is to speak his mind. He knows the importance of subtlety. He’s just not good at it.

So he hates this. He hates that his father had been weird and cryptic and that right now he is alone in a perfectly quiet, peaceful, dark night which is a perfect place to think, and get lost in his thoughts.

And that’s really what’s happening. Jiang Cheng’s thoughts stray from his duty to look after his juniors – ‘They’ll be fine, Wei Wuxian is there, their seniors are there, I’ve trained them well, I can not think about them for five seconds- WHAT THE FUCK WAS FATHER TRYING TO TELL ME?’

He breaks it down. His father asked why he was busy. It’s the night hunt. The juniors. All the other things he wants to finish before his day off with Nie Huaisang. His father sounded a bit concerned about that… Or just. Unusually attentive. His father asked about… their relationship?

Well. It’s long distance, but they both knew that going in, and they’ve been doing the long distance thing even before all the dating stuff, anyway. It’s not… difficult, Jiang Cheng supposes. They have supportive families and friends, and lots of other things to keep them occupied.

(Wei Wuxian sometimes asked them how they do it because, in his words, “If I found someone I like, for sure I’d be all over them all the time, I can’t just, like, not see them for months!” and Jiang Cheng believed him because he for sure was practically sitting on Lan Wangji’s lap while he said all those.)

Anyway, their relationship – long distance, stable, uncomplicated and supportive and really really nice – is one of the things Jiang Cheng doesn’t think about much. Not like Jiang Cheng takes it for granted, he just doesn’t worry about it. Because there’s nothing to worry about.

Hell, that – his relationship with Nie Huaisang – is one of the very few things that he doesn’t have to polish and perfect whenever his mother comes to “inspect”. His life. Yep. His mother hovers.

It’s not like the way that Jiang Yanli hovers, no – Jiang Cheng likes that, he feels cared for. His mother is different. Yu Ziyuan hovers over her only son in the way that one hovers over a science experiment, complete with a clipboard. For taking notes. And jotting down the numbers.

And like, Jiang Cheng doesn’t completely hate it.

It’s attention. It beats being invisible, or being avoided, or being passed over.

It’s nerve-wracking, though.

Jiang Cheng knows his father thinks he’s too much like his mother – and why wouldn’t he? Everyone says the same, after all. People who don’t know him well. Jiang Cheng doesn’t deny them, and even acts as if that was the highest form of praise.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t agree with that, though. If he’s that much like his mother, he wouldn’t be so anxious about her approval. About the things she writes in the clipboard whenever she comes to inspect.

So where was he going with all this? Jiang Cheng has lost track. Much like he lost track with his father earlier.

His father did mention his mother, though, so that’s a thing. Right after asking about the Nie Huaisang thing. His mother approves of it, he had said. Jiang Cheng already knew that. He tries to recall what other stuff his father said… ah. He said something about Jiang Cheng doing a good job following his mother… Then he stressed that if Jiang Cheng was in any way feeling uncertain about his future (he’s sect heir) or his career (sect heir) or his relationship-… Wait.

Did his father somehow think that Jiang Cheng is with Nie Huaisang because that’s what his mother wants?

Because… that’s not… That’s not why they’re together, Jiang Cheng thinks-

Well, sure, that’s one of the good things about it – that his mother, whose approval is one of Jiang Cheng’s top priorities, approves-

Just. Okay. Being with Nie Huaisang is easy. Jiang Cheng likes Nie Huaisang, who likes him back. They’re perfectly comfortable with each other. Nie Huaisang is affectionate (always) and sweet (most of the time) and smart (when he wants to be) and nice (situational)- Well. The point is, he’s easy to love. Not to mention he’s from a good family and he’s very well-versed in navigating their society, which his mother approves of, removing like 90% of the usual pressures that Jiang Cheng would usually worry about.

It’s no wonder Jiang Cheng finds it a no-brainer, a sure answer, to stay in the relationship. It’s easy. And while Jiang Cheng hates to use the word for something as important to him as this, it was convenient, even.

His father mentioned how young they are, how… mature. Settled. Does his father think Jiang Cheng… settled? Because it was easy and it ticked off the big checkbox labelled “Mother’s Approval”?

Jiang Cheng doesn’t know – couldn’t know if that’s really what his father thinks. For all he knew, it was something else, or even nothing at all.

But he couldn’t help but think – what if it was true? What if this thing was all just… convenient?

He hates this. He hates that some vague, probably well-meaning questions from this afternoon has led him to these thoughts. And now he can’t stop thinking about it. He hates that he can’t un-think them anymore. He hates that he’s probably gonna welcome Nie Huaisang to Yunmeng tomorrow and it would be these thoughts at the front of his mind.

How would he greet Nie Huaisang, then?

‘Hello, childhood friend, who started dating me on a silly dare, who didn’t break up with me because it was fun, and we do have fun. Who ticks off all my requirements-… oops, sorry, not mine – my mother’s! You’re so easy to be with. We’re doing just fine! Whenever someone asks, we’re always fine! Isn’t it weird that we’re always good? Don’t they always say that real relationships have people fighting and getting back together and stuff? We don’t do that, so is this real? Did we just commit to the bit too hard? That seems like something we’d both do, to be honest-’

Okay. Wow. That’s. That’s rough, even for Jiang Cheng. He knows he tends to overthink things, but that one was… bad. That was a spiral.

And unfortunately, it was… stuck. And at the back of his head, he can hear screaming – his own voice, saying this is stupid, he’s being , and he probably should just fucking ask his father what he meant by the weird concerned questions-

And then another voice, not his own – in fact there were several voices – familiar, urgent, panicked-

“Jiang Cheng, get out of there!”

Oh. That’s Wei Wuxian.

Jiang Cheng blinks, and realizes he had lost track of time, zoned out, drowning in his own thoughts. Before he can re-orient himself properly, he heard a ghastly, inhuman sound – and he turns just in time to see the black cloud of vengeful, resentful energy rushing towards him.

He had just enough time and presence of mind to jump out of the way, to the nearest tree-

But it looks like he wasn’t awake enough. His immediate thoughts, as his foot catches on the tree branch and then slips – was that this was stupid. So, so, so stupid-

‘Ah, fuck.’ he thinks, as he falls. ‘I have a date tomorrow.’

.

.

.

---

.

.

The next time Jiang Cheng comes to, his body is only slightly less in pain, but his head is definitely clearer.

Which is how he instantly recognizes the first sound he hears, and he looks around to find its source. It’s a familiar sound – from his childhood, to his teenage years – though most of the time it’s exaggerated and most likely fake.

Nie Huaisang is good with his battle fans but his best and most used weapon is still his tears.

Jiang Cheng’s voice is hoarse when he asks, “Did you lose count of your stitches again?”

Nie Huaisang, sitting on a chair beside his bed, jumps and looks up from what Jiang Cheng recognizes as some knitting project he’s been sending him pictures of just the other day.

“A-A-Cheng!” Nie Huaisang stammers, visibly caught off guard, but he quickly shakes it off, sniffing as he drops his project so he can wipe his tears with his sleeve. He laughs shakily. “N-No, I’m- It’s good! It’s… g-going nicely-”

“So why are you crying?” Jiang Cheng asks, grunting as he tries to sit up. Oh. That’s not so bad. The pain feels more manageable now… “It’s either that, or someone went in and told you I’m dying. Am I dying?”

“What? No!” Nie Huaisang stops wiping his tears to pout at him. “It’s… It’s not that. Don’t say that.”

“Okay.” Jiang Cheng shrugs. Wow. He can shrug now. Sleep and rest do work. But his throat feels really dry. “Can you get me some water?”

“Of course.” Nie Huaisang says with a sweet smile, quickly putting his project away and walking to the other side of the bed, where there was a pitcher of water, some glasses, and a plate of fruits.

He pours Jiang Cheng a glass of water and waits until Jiang Cheng has leaned comfortably back against the headboard before handing it to him. “Here, be careful…”

Jiang Cheng is well enough that he manages to drink the water bottoms up. He takes a refreshed breath afterwards as he hands the empty glass back.

“How are you feeling?” Nie Huaisang asks, putting the glass aside, then reaching out to touch Jiang Cheng’s forehead to check for his temperature, then brushes his hair back.

“Better.” Jiang Cheng says. After a pause, he adds, “Awake.”

“That’s good.” Nie Huaisang smiles again. He fusses over Jiang Cheng’s clothes next. “Does it still hurt to move?”

“Not as much now. Mostly just the bruises. And my back, probably ‘cause I’ve been lying down for too long.” He takes Nie Huaisang’s hand fussing over his clothes and twines their fingers together. He rests their joined hands down his lap. “Why were you crying?”

Nie Huaisang looks at him, and Jiang Cheng knows he recognizes that he’s asking for real now, no jokes or witty quips.

Nie Huaisang averts his gaze, trying for another soft, awkward laugh. “It’s silly.”

“I already fell off a tree. You can’t win this one.” Jiang Cheng scoffs, but he gives the other’s hand a squeeze.

This time, Nie Huaisang’s laugh sounds less forced. “I wasn’t trying to.” After a deep breath, still not looking at Jiang Cheng, he continues, “Really, it was just. I’m okay, I just… Well, I was worried, you know I didn’t expect to… find you, like this? I guess? When I arrived? And I-”

Jiang Cheng stays quiet as Nie Huaisang’s voice wavers, and he just holds his hands as he starts to sob.

“I had a fight with da-ge.” Nie Huaisang says, finally. He shakes his head. “That’s why I was so excited to come here. It’s so stupid? ‘Cause I did bad on this test, and he was so mean about it even though I really tried to have a good score and- that’s not really-… That’s another thing. That’s not what you asked, sorry.”

He fiddles with his fan, and Jiang Cheng sees him put in a conscious effort not to flip it open and hide behind it.

“Whatever. I fought with da-ge, and I felt bad, but I thought it’ll be okay, right? ‘Cause I’m going to Yunmeng! You’ll be here, and you’ll comfort me like always, and then when I get here, you’re like this!” That last one fades into an incredulous, helpless whine. “You fell off a tree? What the hell???”

“Okay.” Jiang Cheng says, blinking. “My bad?”

“No!” Nie Huaisang sniffs. He tugs at Jiang Cheng’s hand, still in tears. “No, you-… It’s not you! It’s- I’m the worst! Don’t you see? I went here to be comforted about some stupid, shallow problem while you-… Well, A-Xian said you looked distracted during the night hunt, and you said the same, and that’s not like you, so you probably have your own thing you’re worried about, and I don’t even know what it is! And all I was thinking about on the way here is how you can make me feel better-”

Jiang Cheng looks at him, and he can’t help but begin to grin. “Hey-”

“-and you always tell me what’s bothering you, so if I don’t know what it is this time, then that means you didn’t feel like you can tell me so-”

“Huaisang-”

“-so what use am I, right? I’m the worst, most selfish-”

Jiang Cheng cuts him off by bringing his hand up and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

Nie Huaisang stops, finally looking up.

“Listen.” Jiang Cheng meets his eyes. “You’re fine.”

A sniff. “Am I, really?”

“Well, no, you’re in trouble with your da-ge.” Jiang Cheng shrugs. “But us, you’re overthinking it. We’re fine. You’re not wrong to come here while you’re down. I’d want you to come here when you’re down. I love you.”

Nie Huaisang looks like he’s struggling on which emotion to land on. “B-But… why?”

Jiang Cheng looks annoyed. “Well, now, don’t make me answer that.” He rolls his eyes, feeling his cheeks heat up. “Just say it back, like a normal person.”

Nie Huaisang, finally, lets out a relieved laugh. “I love you too?”

“Why does it sound like a question?”

“Shut up, I’m feeling a lot of things right now!” Nie Huaisang whines, untangling their hands in favor of grabbing his fan to unfold it and hide behind it. “You can’t just sabotage me with that!”

”Rude. Don’t hide.” He tries to reach out and tug at the fan, expensive gift from da-ge be damned – but as expected, Huaisang maneuvers expertly out of his reach.

Jiang Cheng crosses his arms, stubborn. Or, well, with the cast and all, he just tucks his free arm across his chest.

When all he does is glare, Nie Huaisang scoots closer again. He’s still not all the way calm, but at least now it’s not misguided guilt, just concern. “You know I feel the same, right? I’d want you to tell me if you need anything? If you’re worried, or down, or whatever else… So are you okay? Like, before… this. You said you were distracted, and it was during a night hunt, so it must really be something serious…”

“I guess.” Jiang Cheng concedes, knowing there’s no lying to Nie Huaisang at this point. “It was… something.”

The fan is folded, tucked away quickly and quietly as Nie Huaisang shows him he’s ready to listen. “Will you tell me?”

“I don’t know.” he answers, softer this time. “I’m not even sure what it was, really. Father… said things.”

Nie Huaisang grows more concerned. He knows the strained relationship Jiang Cheng has with his father. “What things?”

“I dunno how to explain. Things.” is all Jiang Cheng says, shrugging. “And it just… it made me think. Overthink, really. Spiraled, a bit. Believe it or not, I think this one’s on me. I got too into my head, that’s all.”

“So…” Nie Huaisang starts, inquiring. “…this overthinking. Got you distracted enough to fall off a tree?”

“Yeah.”

“…and is it over now? Are you still thinking about it?”

Jiang Cheng takes a moment to consider. “I think I’m done. I think that’s it.”

“Oh.” Nie Huaisang blinks, thoughtful. “Really? That quick? You tend to dwell, you know?”

“Yeah, well…” he thinks about it again. He looks at Nie Huaisang, cheeks flushed and eyes puffy, trying to study him. He always does. And with any other person, Jiang Cheng would feel uncomfortable, naked, inspected – but with Nie Huaisang he just feels… seen.

And he doesn’t have to think too much about it, he’s just here, being seen. Not worried about what it means, or what it would cost, if he should stay or go.

“Whatever.” he says, finally. “Also, I don’t dwell.”

“Oh, Jiang-xiong…” Nie Huaisang looks amused. “You keep telling yourself that.”

Jiang Cheng scowls. Nie Huaisang laughs. He likes that sound much better.

This is easy.

And, Jiang Cheng decides, easy is not bad. Why did he ever think it was? Easy is loving his sister, forgiving his brother, and choosing Nie Huaisang – not because of his parents but in spite of them.

Easy is knowing that if any of those things ever became difficult he’d still want to make it work.

Everything else is a struggle. A fight. This one easy thing is something Jiang Cheng can give himself, for once.

“Just c’mere.” Jiang Cheng grumbles, reaching out to pull him closer.

Nie Huaisang smiles, but he doesn’t move quite yet. “Won’t it hurt?”

“Yep.” Jiang Cheng says with a shrug. “It’s fine. I can take it.”

As soon as Nie Huaisang sidles up and tucks himself to Jiang Cheng’s side, resting against him with his head on his shoulder, Jiang Cheng groans.

“Owwwww.” he says, loudly. “Ow, ow, oof. This SUCKS.”

“I can take it, he said.” Nie Huaisang says with a giggle. “Want me to get off?”

“Urgh. Fuck.” Jiang grunts one last time, shifting for a better position as he wraps his arm around his boyfriend. “Okay. Okay, I got it.”

“You really sure?”

Jiang Cheng shushes him, brows furrowed, concentrating. When Nie Huaisang peers at his face, he looks like he’s doing breathing exercises.

“Okay.” Nie Huaisang whispers then, humoring the request and resting against him. Who was he to deny his patient? It does feel nice to be able to finally cuddle, even though Jiang Cheng looks like he’s using all his willpower to… well… power through it. Nie Huaisang will just have to be careful and make sure they don’t push it too much.

As Jiang Cheng gets used to the weight, the pain dulls. He’s able to breathe a bit easier, and he tilts his head to rest it on top of his companion’s.

Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath. “Man, this day sucked.”

Nie Huaisang starts to nod, then realizes he probably shouldn’t move even that much. “It is terrible.” he agrees. “Like, it’s up there. In terms of worst days.”

“What time is it?”

“Like, 3 pm?”

“And I’m in bed? Shit.” Jiang Cheng clicks his tongue. “You just stayed here the whole time?”

“A-Xian sat with me for a bit. Yanli-jie dropped by too. I was knitting.”

“What was it, again? The knitting?”

“A scarf. For Wangji.”

“Ew.”

“Oh, grow up. He’s my friend and his birthday’s next month.”

“Ugh. Wei Wuxian’s gonna be so annoying about it.”

Jiang Cheng hears and feels Nie Huaisang’s soft, subdued laughter, and the way it trails off into a sigh. They sit in silence for a moment, listening to familiar sounds of people going about their day in Lotus Pier.

“A-Cheng…”

“Hm?”

“You’re not gonna tell me what you were… overthinking… about, are you?”

Jiang Cheng takes a moment to think. He closes his eyes and nuzzles the top of Nie Huaisang’s head in reassurance. “Maybe someday. When it doesn’t sound as stupid anymore.”

“Mm. Okay.” Nie Huaisang lets go of it quite easily, having decided there’s better things to do than pry, just this one time. “I bet it’s not even that stupid, though. You’re just hard on yourself.”

“No, it is.” Jiang Cheng insists absentmindedly. “And I’m not doing that again. Overthinking.”

“Oh, no. I think you would. Overthink, I mean. You do it all the time. I think you mean to say that you won’t overthink on top of trees anymore.”

“Are you really on my side?”

“I’m just saying, you have to stop trying to be so cool. I know you’re cool. We all know you’re cool!” Nie Huaisang pokes at his chest absently. “That doesn’t mean you don’t have your off-days! Feelings are healthy! Self-reflection is good for you!”

“Are you psycho-analyzing me right now?”

“You assume I’m not always psycho-analyzing you.”

Jiang Cheng pauses. “That’s true, but hearing it said out loud makes it sound creepy.”

“I do it out of love~”

“That’s worse. You get how that’s worse?”

Nie Huaisang lifts his head slightly to drop a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s cheek. “Yeah, but you’re not leaving me yet, so…”

“The thing is, I can’t leave you.” Jiang Cheng says, tilting his head so he can look at Nie Huaisang’s pretty, grinning face. “We told Wei Wuxian we’d both date each other. I’m not backing out first.”

Nie Huaisang giggles. “We were like, babies then! That’s a whole new level petty!”

Jiang Cheng scoffs, fully owning it. “And what about it?”

“Will you propose if he dares you?”

“Maybe.”

“Jiang Wanyin!” Nie Huaisang screeches, burying his face in Jiang Cheng’s shoulder. “Do not do that, please!”

“Don’t propose?” Jiang Cheng teases. “Like, ever?”

“No! Don’t propose on a dare.”

“Why not, though.”

Nie Huaisang breathes. Deeply. A calming breath. Then his head whips up so fast he almost headbutts Jiang Cheng. “You know what, it does sound fun.”

“Right? You see the vision.”

“It’s stupid? But also it will make us look super chill. Like those celebrities who just get married for funsies.” Nie Huaisang nods. “They’ll never know we have anxiety!”

Jiang Cheng nods back, but he also says, “I don’t have anxiety.”

“Aww, sure.” Nie Huaisang coos. “Let’s not do it before I make up with da-ge, though? He’ll never recover.”

“Noted.” Jiang Cheng says easily. Nie Huaisang cuddles against him again. He just sits back, relaxing, looking out his window to a view of the lake.

A little later, he asks for the bowl of fruit from the table and starts nibbling on a slice of apple. Beside him, Nie Huaisang picks his needles up again and continues his project.

That’s how Wei Wuxian finds them – Nie Huaisang knitting while Jiang Cheng snacks, now and then fiddling with the yarn.

Jiang Cheng makes sure that Wei Wuxian hears him when he tells Nie Huaisang that Lan Wangji is a snob and doesn’t deserve such a nice, lovely, handmade gift.

Wei Wuxian, of course, goes and defends the object of his years-long vague confused oblivious affections.

And when he comments on Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang being “so perfect for each other” and “Yunmeng’s favorite couple” and “practically married already – when are you guys gonna get married anyway? I mean you have everyone and their grandmas’ blessings, you should just get on with it already! I wanna see you guys in red!”–

Jiang Cheng has to hold his tongue before he could shoot back something like “Actually we’ve set the date! And we’re not telling you because you’re annoying.” – because it’s not that simple, oh no- His pettiness can wait a bit.

Nie Huaisang has to make up with his da-ge first. Jiang Cheng will respect that.

After that, maybe they can think about it. This time, together. And on solid ground.

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. fin .