Five Times Shiro and Keith Insist That Their Fake Relationship is Indeed Fake, and the One Time It Totally Wasn’t
(Snippets from my Bleach AU feat. Shinigami Shiro and Substitute Shinigami Keith)

Teen (13+)
Chapters: 6
Words: 0

Speaking is Not Communication

Chapter 4


Lance signed up for an afternoon doing arts ‘n crafts with Shiro. How did he end up trying to salvage Keith and Shiro’s totally non-romantic relationship?

Chapter Notes:

I wanted to write a chatfic but I get bored easily so here’s one chapter of it and I’m done with chatfic forever.
Also one of my favorite ship names in this fandom is still #Regreith so here’s one for you kids.


From: Unknown

‘Hi, Lance. Good afternoon. This is Shiro. I got your number from Hunk. I hope you don’t mind.’

Of all the messages Lance thought he would receive that day, that was not on the list of what he expected.

But, well. It’s Shiro. Shiro was an okay person. Lance saved the contact first and then replied.

‘hey man’

‘it’s cool. no problem.’

‘what’s up?’

From: Not Mullet’s BF

‘I was wondering if you’re home and if I could come over? I need help with something and Keith said you’re the guy for this.’

Huh. Lance blinked. Mullet referred Shiro to him? What is up ?

‘just u?’

‘no keith?’

but yeah sure ok’

From: Not Mullet’s BF

‘He’s got something else going on today. Thanks, Lance. I’ll head over there now.’



“Okay. What the hell, man.”

Lance didn’t know what he was looking at. Okay, he knew. But. Like. Why .

All that came out from Shiro was “Um.”

And that-? Um? UM?


That was exactly what Lance said. “ How ?”

Lance looked at Shiro, who was sitting on a bean bag on the floor like a dejected oversized puppy, then he looked at Slav in Shiro’s hands, who looked helpless and ready to cry and was missing his two plushie arms. The cotton stuffing was visible.

Lance wasn’t, uh, close to Slav, not really. But he wouldn’t, like, beat the little guy up even though sometimes his science talk was worse than Hunk, Pidge and Matt combined. Also, Slav’s button eyes were super expressive for, well, buttons.

Slav didn’t deserve to be armless. Shit, he looked even weirder without arms. What was he supposed to be in the first place, anyway? A green penguin? An otter-penguin? With a beak-like thing that wasn’t a beak? Now he just looked like a long worm alien with a beak-like thing. And he was squirming, to boot. Weird.

So Lance leaned down and whispered, “Who did this to you, buddy?”

“Shiro did.” Slav sniffed – how does he make that sound when he’s a plushie?

Lance looked at Shiro disbelievingly, and Shiro quickly shook his head, looking horrified but resolute. “It was an accident!”

“He ripped off my poor arms for trying to touch Keith!”

“That’s not what happened!”

“He just made it look like an accident!”

“It was an accident!”

Lance shook his head at Shiro. “Dude. Possessive much? Slav’s just a-… Slav.”

Shiro sighed. “I’m telling you, that’s far from what happened. Look. Keith had a guest, and Slav didn’t know, so he just came running and screaming into the room and latched on to Keith. I grabbed him before Keith’s friend could see him, but I guess Slav had a really tight grip because that’s when his arms came off.”

Lance stared. “Am I supposed to believe that?”

“Yes.” Shiro nodded. “And I’m not possessive. Keith’s not-… mine.”

Lance looked at Slav.

Slav must have been trying for a shrug, but with neither arms nor shoulders, it just looked like more squirming. “Keith did have a human guest. I told him I’m sorry.”

Shiro looked down at the plushie in his hands with a guilty frown. “Hey, Keith’s not angry.”

“I hope he doesn’t ban me from the laptop.” Slav said, visibly wilting. “I like the laptop.”

“Alright, okay. So it’s nobody’s fault that Slav is armless now.” Lance said, hands raised to calm them both down. God. He was a Quincy. Why is he acting as a counselor to a shinigami and a mod soul? “Shiro, you came to me because…?”

“Keith said you’re good at sewing.” Shiro replied. “So he suggested that I come see you and maybe ask you to teach me how to fix this?”


That’s… very Keith, Lance thought. Bluntly practical, sending his boyfriend and their poor broken talking pet plushie to Lance because Lance was the person best suited to help. Even if he didn’t like Lance much.

“Well, not like I’ve got anything else to do this afternoon.” Lance said, then brought his hands together to crack his knuckles. “Alright. Let’s do this.”



Lance watched Shiro’s pathetic attempt at sewing for a full thirty minutes. That was a record. He tried to be nice, but it was difficult when Slav was also vocally complaining about Shiro’s technique for the entire duration of the thing. So after that gruelling half-hour, Lance gave up.

“Alright, no, this is not working. I’ll do it. I won’t even complain or ask Mullet to pay for my services. I can’t watch, I just want this to end, that’s payment enough for me.” Lance said, drawing the sewing kit to himself and extending a hand for Shiro to give him the plushie. “C’mon, give.”

Shiro looked stricken, and covered Slav’s mouth-beak-thing when the mod soul started voicing his agreement with Lance’s suggestion. “But- We don’t want to bother-”

“Shiro, buddy, I know you tried your best, and you’re doing great! Really!” Lance reassured, beaming. He meant it, too. “But I think this job requires my nimble fingers and my rad sewing skills to really build sturdy arms for Slav. Ones that won’t come off the next time you pry him off Keith.”

Shiro handed the toy to him, looking dejected again. It was unfair how he could pull that look off.

To make him not feel totally worthless, Lance instead handed Shiro a basket of messy crochet thread that his nieces and nephews had left in chaos the last time they came over. He asked the guy to try to untangle and bring some semblance of order to the threads.

Shiro, only happy to oblige, got to work.

Lance suddenly felt some form of kinship to those nice diner waitresses who gave kids a coloring pad and crayons to keep them occupied.

Slav shut up and watched in fascination as Lance undid the thirty minutes worth of sewing monstrosity that Shiro left and then started over.

After a while of comfortable silence, Lance started talking. “So where’s your other half? You said he had a friend over?”

“Yes. Keith hadn’t been expecting him, either. I didn’t want to intrude, so I said I’ll go and get Slav fixed.”

“Didn’t know he had other friends besides Hunk and the Holts.”

“He said they’re old friends. Some guy called Regris?”

Lance paused. The name sounded familiar- “Regris? Uh, tall, ripped, total dreamboat?”

Shiro looked up from his basket. “You know him?”

“No, just saw him online… following Keith’s IG… I think Pidge said something like the dude worked in the gym? The uncle’s gym.”

“Oh.” Shiro said, nodding. “Well… They went to the mall.”

Lance’s brows furrowed. “Keith? And this Regris dude? They went to the mall?”


“Just the two of them?”

“I think so.” Shiro answered.

Lance had questions now. A list of them. But while he was still re-ordering the questions in his head, Shiro excused himself to go to the toilet. As soon as the guy was out the door, Lance turned towards his ‘patient’. “Slav.”

“Yes, Quincy Lance?” Slav answered, looking up with curious button eyes.

“What really happened? I want the truth. And details. Or I’ll stop after the first arm.”

Slav squirmed, then shook, then nodded quickly. “I… I don’t know much? The Human Regris came over all of a sudden. The Uncle Thace was not home. When I came in, Keith was talking to the Regris and Shiro grabbed me and I lost my arms. Then Keith came back to his bedroom to talk to Shiro. Keith said he was going to the mall with the Regris and Keith asked Shiro if he wants to come too. Shiro said no, and to have fun and that he’ll get me fixed.”

“Did the Reg- Did Regris and Keith look close?”

“What exactly do we mean by ‘close’?”

“Was he… uh… touchy? With Keith?”

“The Regris hugged Keith a lot and touched his hair a number of times.”

“Was Keith smiley?”

“Yes. He was also… laugh-y.”

“Okay, last question: did Shiro see them being touchy, smiley and laughy?”

“…Probably? About a 90% chance, I think.”

Oh, boy. What is this. What was happening. This can’t happen. Lance already had half of a perfectly-worded passive-aggressive-embarrassing speech started for Mullet and Shiro’s wedding. Who is this Regris dude and why was he ruining Lance’s life plans?

When Shiro came back, he was immediately attacked with a question – “Shiro, are you okay?”

Shiro blinked. He was used to Keith asking him that, but hearing it from Lance was nice, too. “Yeah, I found the bathroom just fine-”

“No. No, I mean. Are you okay? With the whole Regris thing?”

This time Shiro tilted his head to the side. “Yes…? Yes, I mean… It’s nice that Keith has other friends who care about him-”

“So you’re totally fine with the fact that Keith just went out with another guy?”

Shiro was just confused now. “They just went to the mall…”

“On a date?”

“Keith didn’t say it was a date.”

“They went out together to go to the mall, just the two of them, and they were-… touchy!”


“They left the house while the Regris was hugging Keith.” Slav provided, as if it was adequate explanation.

Shiro shook his head and laughed lightly. “Keith and I go to places together, too, and those aren’t dates-… Well-… Uh. Well, we tell his uncles that we’re going out on a date, but they’re not real dates, really, because Keith and I are just friends, we’re just pretending to be a couple for his uncles. So, Keith going out with his friend Regris isn’t really a date, they just went to the mall together, like Keith and I usually do when we go out on a date-”

He stopped, looked at Lance, who raised a knowing brow, and then at Slav, who squirmed some more, and then back at Lance.

“Wait, is Keith on a date with someone who’s not me?”

Lance raised his hands in an exasperated shrug. “I don’t know, Shiro, it looks like it, but maybe everything’s fine , he’s just fake-cheating on you!”

Shiro slumped back down on the bean bag. Shakily, he grabbed his basket of thread again. “Y-Yeah. It’s fine, right? We’re just friends. Keith can date people he really wants to date. It’s okay-”

“Oh my God. Are you moping? On my bean bag? No. No, I can’t deal with this-” Lance said, abandoning his work on Slav and grabbing his phone instead.



You created a group with TheIncredibleHunk and Not Mullet’s BF.

TheIncredibleHunk: ????

Not Mullet’s BF: Lance, I really don’t think this is necessary…

TheIncredibleHunk: Oh hey it’s Shiro!

@TheIncredibleHunk please could u add Holt 1 and 2 here it’s an emergency

TheIncredibleHunk added Pidge Holt and Matt Holt to the group.

Count on Hunk to properly name his contacts. Lance wasn’t having any of it though.

Pidge: wtf is this

Big Pidge: ^

Big Pidge: oh hey Shiro’s here

Pidge: where’s keith

mullet is the reason we’re all gathered here today.

Holt 2 i need u to answer a question

Pidge: i have a name mcclain

idc anyways u said u know keith’s friend regris right?

what exactly do u know about him?

Pidge: not much

Pidge: he’s like 1 or 2 yrs older than keith so he’s in college now i think

Pidge: he and k both worked part time at uncle’s gym last summer

ok seriously how many part time jobs does mullet have

Big Pidge: dude he’s an only child and his only friends are the biggest nerds

Big Pidge: keith is smart but have you ever tried hanging out with pidge and hunk when they’re in the zone?

Big Pidge: he’s gotta spend his vacations somewhere somehow you know

ok ok point taken

Pidge: why r u asking anyway

Pidge: are u planning to jump him




no offense Shiro my dude

Not Mullet’s BF: ?

Pidge: i meant regris not keith u idiot

oh ok.

do u know if he’s close with mullet???

Pidge: they hung out a lot

Pidge: and kinda dated for like a month

Pidge: so yeah maybe they were tight idk




TheIncredibleHunk: I didn’t know that! :O

Big Pidge: keith will kill us all… god…

Big Pidge: why are we talking about this again?

Big Pidge: also Shiro are u ok? buddy you’re so quiet…

Pidge: shiro dont take it srsly. it was 1 month and keith said they just like made out a lot of times then regris went to college and theyre done

Pidge: its like nothing happened

Pidge: its gonna be ok dude keith loves u

Not Mullet’s BF: I’m fine, guys.


Pidge: what

Big Pidge: whAT

TheIncredibleHunk: Whaaaaaaaaaat?

Not Mullet’s BF: Keith can date who he wants.


Pidge: wait lance how do u know all this?

uhhh shiro is with me rn for arts and crafts related reasons and he mentioned mullet going to the mall with his ex

TheIncredibleHunk: Wait.

Not Mullet’s BF: It’s really ok…

Big Pidge: are u sure it’s a date


Not Mullet’s BF: Not really.

slav said they were touchy and keith was laughing


also shiro looks sad

Not Mullet’s BF: I’m not sad.

“I’m focusing on these strings.” Shiro said, frowning up at Lance, who was perched on the bed, Slav squirming in his lap impatiently. He looked weird with just half an arm attached to him. “I won’t finish this if we keep on talking on our phones.”

Lance was unimpressed. “Dude, you’re so distracted you’re looking for the end of that thread in the basket when you’re holding both ends in your other hand.”

Shiro stopped, stared at his hand, then scowled at the thread and started trying to untangle it with renewed vigor.

omg he’s super upset guys

Big Pidge: oh buddy…

Big Pidge: maybe keith went out with the guy to dump him? maybe?

Big Pidge: and why did hunk say wait? wait for what?

And then Lance’s bedroom door opened and Hunk was there. He took a look at the room and made a beeline for Shiro. “Hey, bud. How are you holding up?”

Shiro blinked. “How did you get here so fast?”

“Uh. I literally live next door.” Hunk said, plopping on the chair by the desk. “Came to provide you some moral support in this trying time-”

Shiro sighed. “Guys, for the last time, it’s no big deal if Keith is on a date or not-”

“Okay, but, man – you’re balling up that yarn pretty intensely.”

Shiro made an effort to slow down.

“I don’t understand humans.” Slav said from his perch on Lance’s lap. “Keith and Shiro tell Uncle Thace that they are in love but they tell their friends they are not. Keith and Shiro go out to the mall and it is okay because they’re not in love? The Regris takes Keith to the mall and it is not okay because they might be in love? Why are Keith and Shiro not in love but they sleep on the same bed like Uncle Thace and Uncle Ulaz who are in love? What is the truth? I am very confused. How is this all computed?”


Shiro coughed, but kept trying to work on the threads.

Then Hunk spoke, very very quietly. “Bro, I thought you sleep on the closet…”

“It was one time. We were tired and dozed off while talking.” Shiro answered, face red.

Hunk looked at Slav. Slav raised his half arm. “Three times this week.”

Shiro gaped, looking utterly betrayed. “Why are you even counting?!”

“I’m sorry, I like numbers!” Slav cried, and clung lamely to Lance’s shirt.

so Hunk just came over.

Big Pidge: Katie left like 10 min ago and she’s still not back

Big Pidge: Katie Holt where are you





Big Pidge: chickens are dinosaurs tho


“Shiro. Shiro, dude. Check your phone. Pidge’s on to something.” Lance said.

Shiro let out a resigned sigh, but picked up his phone.


Pidge: guess what he said


Big Pidge: no no he said ‘how could u ask that? u know Shiro is my only love! baka!’

TheIncredibleHunk: hahaha but no really Pidge please end our suffering?

Not Mullet’s BF: I get Keith now when he says he hates you all.

Not Mullet’s BF: Except Hunk.

Pidge: y’all are idiots.

Pidge: anyway he was like UM NO.


Big Pidge: :O

TheIncredibleHunk: :’)

lmao date = shiro

ok mullet ok very subtle

Pidge: i tried to clarify the Regris thing so i was like OK SO ARE YOU HOME OR WHAT

Pidge: and u guys are so stupid ok. keith said he’s out with Reg

Pidge: he calls him Reg but dont panic

Pidge: dude is just home for break and asked Keith to help him buy snacks and beers and shit bc he’s throwing some party for the gym staff tonight

Pidge: thats it

Pidge: they went to the mall to get groceries u losers

Pidge: y’all really should stop watching too much soap operas

oh ok

Big Pidge: yeah that makes sense

TheIncredibleHunk: Keep doing god’s work Pidge! <3

Pidge: <3

Pidge: shiro are u ok tell me u feel ok now

Not Mullet’s BF: yewsa

Not Mullet’s BF: yes

Not Mullet’s BF: Not taht I wasntt ealrlier

Not Mullet’s BF: I wanst wooriedd at all!1

Pidge: good thats the spirit!!!

Pidge: tbh i just stayed for u dude.

Pidge: u beautiful disaster…….

Pidge: i’m gonna log out now bye losers.

Pidge has left the group.

“So.” Lance started, picking Slav up again. “The weather, huh. Sunny today.”

Hunk chuckled, and noted Shiro now working on the crochet threads with a smile.

Then Slav spoke up. “Can someone please explain to me what happened and how everything is okay again?”

Hunk took a deep breath, bracing himself. “Okay, buddy. Let me try…”

Shiro sighed.




Several hours later, as he was just about to fall asleep, Lance heard his phone chime three consecutive times.

He groaned sleepily, but when it chimed two more times, he reached out to check the new messages.

From: Unknown







Lance cackled, then covered his mouth with his hand upon realizing that his parents and siblings were probably already asleep. He saved the contact and replied.

ur welcome kogane

did u just call shiro ur bf? 😀

From: Mullet Kogane


Yes ???

But not really

Not like that

You know it’s for my uncles


More importantly why does he have a basket full of strings

He won’t go to bed until he’s got them all balled up

Is this your fault?

nah its YOUR fault for sending him here

i suggest u seduce him to joining u on ur bed ;D

From: Mullet Kogane



yea shiro said that too

sweet dreams cuddling ur boyfriend

From: Mullet Kogane





Chapter Notes:

Hunk: *explains*

This is shoujo romance manga level of misunderstandings, and I’m not sorry.

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